Hi guys. In this world of blogging. The therapy kind, no news means good news! So, I am happy to report we are just settling into maintenance and I must say...I LOVE IT! I mean. comparatively to the last year. Jeff and I just talked about how much our girl was back to her old self. She has put some weight back on, healthy and strong weight. Her hair is really coming in so beautifully, her spirits are high and she feels good. Yes. That about covers it. Yes!
We had our one year diagnosis anny on August 4th and I am so glad it has come and gone. Those dumb memory posts on facebook had my heart sinking with all the little things that led up to the horror of joining the world of leukemia. I had a hard time revisiting that mess, but we made it with a big trip to the Ranger game with a fancy suite from the Make A Wish foundation, so I love that we had a cool something to do. That will be a new tradition. No doubt.
So, I have been really honest about my struggles of all of this and I had a new twist creep into my world and I am really frustrated. I have always been a sleepwalking monster. My whole life. I have woken up all over the house and I never grew out of it as a kid. It was never too crazy, but my poor roommates in college had the creepy friend (me) walk into their rooms at night and freak them smooth out. Just thinking about it makes me laugh. Sorry girls, that's weird.
So, after Ryder it got a little worse, with me walking to Jeff and insisting we left Ryder somewhere. You might ask where I left an entire child and only realized it around 11, but Jeff said I was ready to argue him under the table. Which, makes me laugh. Sorry honey, that is really weird. But, he would put me back to bed and it was what it was.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. I now am having NOCTURNAL PANIC ATTACKS?!? You might ask what the hell that is, because I had to look up what was happening to me. I shoot out of bed and I mean fast and quick, which causes big bruises. I then run to Jeff screaming that
A) We have not given Ryder his chemo or
B) We have not given EG her meds...
My heart is racing a bajillion miles a minute and I have no idea this is all going on until a few minutes pass and my freaking leg hurts from where I ran into the dresser, or whatnot. It is awful and scary. I hate it and I am embarrassed, but now have to investigate how to stop the madness. The weird thing is that I have over the last few months weaned off my anxiety meds per my doctor because they are addictive. I have never felt better. I really have been working out and drinking a ton of water. I have started working part time at a job I love. I have begun to open the doors to my faith again. All good stuff that I have worked really hard for. I really have started to feel like a smidge of myself, which has me in pure confusion to why now with the sleep monster? Why is this even happening?
SO, back to the drawing board and finding a new therapist since my trusted lady I have been through so much with, is retiring. This one thing alone makes me quiver because how do I even start with my story? Can I just ask her to read my blog and then we can talk?! Ha. Anyways. Isn't it all so strange? Well, I know you guys are my support that I have needed and used this far, so let's keep the party going, shall we?
To my dear husband, through thick and thin, die hard partner. You are a dear for dealing with this all. Remind me to buy you a new car or something really cool when this gets worked out, ummm k?:) Until then, I will be digging a new path to find the sunshine and finding those bright spots not only in the day, but night time too. Mercy.
Until Next Time,
-Jenn
