Friday, September 15, 2017

Blink...Just Blink...

I am spying on Ellie and her homebound teacher, so I figured I would sit at the bar and be busy on the computer. I have paid some bills, contacted the hospital for some questions to be answered, answered emails and now...I blog. I told myself I wasn't going to write on this thing again until I had the good news that I could scream from the mountain top. I realize I backed myself into a corner here, leaving my blog on the edge of demise. HOWEVER, I have a gambling heart and rolled the dice and now I get to announce that my baby is in REMISSION! 

I know...so fast. They came in hard and fast and wiped it gone. Out of there. Took it down. I was SO nervous to answer the phone, but the doctor had a light voice and quickly told me he had good news. WHew. As mad I am at God for presenting this challenge to us, I am equally thankful for the quick works on her body. I don't know. My religion and faith is challenged right now, so I tell my friends to pray doubly hard to cover me until I can unfold my thoughts on it all. Anyways, back on topic. SO, many people have asked if she is a go and ready to resume normal life. Unfortunately, it isn't that easy. We have to continue to surge on and follow the "recipe" that has been proven to prevent this coming back 94% in her lifetime. So, of course we continue to tackle this beast. She is now in 4 or 8 week cycles on different rounds of meds. There is one 8 week cycle that I am worried about because it sounds rough, but it isn't until a few months, so I will deal with that on another day. But, we are hoping by March that she will be back at school and we can see her being a kid again. It's the little things isn't it?

On a different note, N loves school. Like LOVES school. He thrives on treasure chests and candies for being good. He comes home every day talking of Hersey Kisses and we joke if there is an insulin kit in the treasure chest. R is making my heart sing with his success by loving his Mother's Day Out. That has been a mountain I have prepped myself on for many months and by golly, the boy likes it. He goes to chapel every day and they said he told the teacher what a Bible was. Yes, my heart is a puddle. 

So, life moves on as we know it. I have some sort of view on where we are going, which is good for me. I look forward to the weather cooling down. Someone find the sunshine...anyone and tell it hello for me:)

- Jenn

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Here we go Again...

So that scare. That one that had me weak in the knees. It unfolded fast and we were not out of the woods. My baby girl was diagnosed the very next day with Luekemia. What the hell? She was light headed. I thought she looked a little pale and she had had a virus within 3 weeks of each other. So, she was showing signs of not feeling well. But, I had iron in my mind. Maybe a weird piece of mono. But, never in my mind did I expect her to be the .0065% of the nation to be in the cancer club. Man. I really can't even go into the details for my days like I did for Ryder yet. But, what I can say is that it has been a constant rollercoaster of hope and a then the valleys hit. The crying and feeling dead inside. I have turned a corner of being more at peace about things as we get a grip on things and see the tests and blood work respond beautifully to the meds. I don't want that to sound easy. The bloating, weak muscles, sadness, confusion, yucky feeling, and overall anger of this hitting my eight year old is almost too much for me. The fact that I have sworn to walk side by side with this angel is my leading force to get out of bed each morning. If she can, I can. Plus, sweet Nolan is again the child shuffled around and now Ryder. Man. Was I a bad person in another life? Did I hurt someone big? So yeah. I still am in the confusion phase and that is ok. Because I am eating again, showering on the reg, putting on make-up with some sort of routine. I hug and encourage my kids, I try to make time to talk to Jeff when I don't feel like sharing. But, since this isn't my first rodeo of a life event of terror. I know my tendencies of closing people off...and I am trying hard to not do it with such depth. My friends are chomping at the bit to help and it overwhelms me and I don't know what help means right now. But, what a lucky person to have a squad, tribe, and cheering section  waiting patiently at my side.

For now, Ellie and I am going to chop off this hair. Mine is wild and hers is falling out and we are all just annoyed with the strands tickling us as they catch on us. We are all at peace about it and so we will  get a cute trim to help take some weight off her blonde baby head.

We are waiting on a call from the office to determine remission, and Labor Day weekend has labs running s.l.o.w....ugh. Stay tuned. Forget you sun...I am in no mood for you right now.😐

Until next time.
-Jenn

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Holy Mother of ....

Ok...let's play a game. Imagine a brick wall. Maybe even a double lined, red brick wall. With a lot of cement slathered on between each brick. Man. A very fit girl ( girl can dream, right?) is trying her best to get the grip at the top of this wall and not slip slowly back down. As I imagine we all are. Just grab the damn brick on top...do it. Stupid wind comes and takes her down a notch. Ok. Do you have the visual in your head? Well. That wall is life and the person is me (so deep huh?) and the wind is life's surprises that show up every now and again and make your head spin. I had started another blog entry this morning but had a big gust of wind sweep through today and so, here I am with that side of things. My oldest had a health scare today. We are not out of the woods, but things are looking up. I don't know if it is my PTSD kicking in, but I do NOT handle those winds very well. I called Jeff to come home and he is like on his second day of kick starting his sales job. Ugh. But, I literally go weak and sling shot my brain ten steps down the road of the worst case scenerario. Ok, I need real talk here. Do you guys do this? Am I screwed up for life because I had a really awful, freak situation happen in my life and now I have to go back to that space when something happens unexpected? I HATE it about myself. And I try to be kind to my myself on these types of issues, but word to your mamma...it ain't good. Sweating, pacing, trying desperately to not speed up my breathing because then kicks in the anxiety attack. I mean bad, y'all. Where are you at here? Just me or you with me on some level. I need a gauge because I may need to seek out my "calm down Dr. friend" to work on my copping skills. So, moral of the story. I am whipped emotionally and I want to improve this about myself. Thanks for hearing me out and chiming in on how you cope with fast and sometimes scary news. Hint, hint:)

So, can we change the subject, please? My cute teacher friend, Ginger, texted me today and she stumbled across this blog! Say what?!I love it and even though my summer writing has dwindled, I couldn't love that more. Hey girl. Those precious babies keeping you busy over there?! I appreciate you reading this silly thing:)

Also, I need to catch you guys up on my surprise girls trip and my cute house that we FINALLY got moved in to. We have really put some time into creating a happy and simple space and I must say, I am feeling it. My friend Schubert keeps telling me that it is so me and I take that as such a compliment because my vision is coming to life. Jeff is throwing in his vision too, but somehow I keep winning that battle! Ha, poor man is stuck with me. Love you, honey.

But Soon, these happy little things will come out on here and hopefully with pictures.

Alright folks. Man, I need the sunshine to calm myself after a trying day, however this outlet has helped. You people are a bright spot and I love you for being here, even when I take time off to tend to children and move. Whew. Blog besties unite! Love.

Until next time.
-Jenn

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Get it Together...

Summmmerrrrrr time and the livin's easy. ... . ...

Well hello strangers. Sorry I have been out of commission these last few weeks, but all in the spirit of good. Right? How do I get stressed over the good? I mean. Perhaps that my nerves go on edge when things start to ruffle and shuffle. Now, I have been wanting to shake things up to start a new us, but now I am rocking in the corner when it starts to happen. I think I will get up from the corner soon. But, I may need to put my tattoo goal on hold because I might need to digest my last month first!

Are you ready to hear all the business going on in our little lives? Jeff got the job. Praise the Lord. This is what we knew HAD to happen in order to tip over that first domino. Well. He has started and we have real insurance, he has a company car, and is officially going into the office everyday. Things just got real. So, we have to get a house fast to get the kids near the school that we all love. Now, if you know anything about loans. Folks don't like to give money to people who switch careers completely. I suppose the risk jumps up to a 1,000 percent of a poor decision in the bank world. I work long hours, but I am paid in kisses and hugs. Apparently the modern day loan program doesn't feel like I am a good candidate either. In other words...HURRRRRYYYY. We found a house we loved and made our offer quick and enticing before Jeff's contract was up. Well. Our plan worked. We were under contract and this couple was in a rush to get out of the house, so it worked out. We are going to lease our current home, so we had the freedom to Go, Go, Go! However, I didn't have time to process much. I felt like we were just printing out our entire lives and handed it over and I was still trying to figure out if it was a good move for us. Jeff kept his eye on the prize and talked me through it, but damn, I felt like I was spinning.

Well, I was spinning actually. In the middle of this two week whirlwind, I had a random moment of crazy in Target. I had all three kids and I was doing a quick sweep of snacks for the little people. In and out type of thing. You know those huge shopping carts that hold two sitters in front of the cart? They are like pushing a tanker truck, but it helps my children complain of aching legs. Because you know, walking around Target takes SO much out of you. BUT, whatever, the choo-choo cart is how we roll, no matter how obnoxious. Long story short, I accidentally run into a kid (say 12 or so) and his mom as they were looking at the deli section. Don't get me wrong, I was the one to blame and she tells me that they were there first and I ran them off. I was so caught off guard that I just apologize and try to figure out how I missed running into two big people. I come to the conclusion that my mind was in house buying world. I felt bad but I guess it was the last straw of my sanity. I starting tearing up and I could NOT STOP CRYING. Nolan asked why my eyes were red and he bought that my make up was running, but ol' EG knew I was crying. However, she was stumped because we were still in Target. I am even confused myself by this scenario. I decide to abort this place, but I needed the snacks in my cart. I NEEDED the snacks for the summer vultures at my house like in an hour.

Don't you worry. I walk up to check out right behind the lady that snapped at me. I felt weird not saying anything so I just caught her attention and told her that the insane cart needed a special license and I was not up for renewal. I then just said, I am so sorry. Right or wrong, I obviously got in their space. She just laughed and said she remembered the days of young children and I remember nothing else of what she said. I started crying AGAIN. I apparently couldn't hold a conversation just yet. I just slowly turned around and walked off sup supping and walked directly to the light bulb section. Who can cry with a variety of bulbs in your face? Well. It worked. I pulled myself together and  got out of there in one piece, with snacks! SO, when I say I was not handling the stress in peace, you know I am not telling a lie.

Now. We have Jeff in a new career, a new house, a house we are going to rent out and as of today....I am going to work at a local church school. I have decided that I am ready to enter this world again and R and I will do it together. I will teach a 4 year old class and my main man will be attending this school as well. It is a Mother's Day Out type thing and I am SO excited to start this new chapter.

Can you say...Starting over??? My baby bud is just chatting away and becoming such a big boy. He truly makes me so proud every day. I am also enjoying my bigs being home this summer and we are trying to pack up this house, all while trying to not cry in Target. Small goals people. Small goals! How is your summer going? I need details!

Until Next Time, find that sunshine but make sure you have SPF 50 on while doing it. Geesh.

-Jenn

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Summer Countdown...

Hi guys. Sorry I missed a week in there. Summer is fast approaching and we are cray, just like the rest of you. I have a crazy summer kicking in. I have been a prepper for these months since February and so it seems surreal that it is almost go time. First off, my main honey bun got his dream job in sales. He is official and we could not be more excited to start this new avenue in the game of life. He gets a few weeks off between jobs to kick his heels up and so of course I pack it as full as I can. The guy doesn't stand a chance with quiet time, but I will throw in a Netflix party of some Bloodline to make it worth his fancy.  And if he negotiates with me, I just might give him a House of Cards Netflix original. Look, I could totally be in the business world. I am practicing the lingo and the act of business stuff. I could fit in his new world at any second. You are welcome, sweets:)

In honor of the new paycheck and new idea of vacation time in a few week increments, I got on vrbo.com and found a condo in Galveston in approximately seven minutes. I guess I was feeling the ocean breeze in my hair already, because we were booked by minute eight. We even bamboozled my in-laws and mom to join us to make this two night stay as fun and crazy as possible. Now, don't think I am done with my agenda yet.

When I get back on Wednesday, I am on go time. You are looking at the Master of Ceremony to the Annual Mystery Girls Trip, round 8. I have put it off until I was backed in a corner of being the last man standing kind of thing. However, my sista Sarah can out wait me by a landslide, so I am in charge this year. She is the closer on us all by planning next year. The rules are as follows: You pay $350.00 in February and we go on the same assigned weekend every year. The location has to include a body of water of some sort and lots of good food and spirits. We have to get creative on food since our budget is so low, which is fine. The organizer just has to do some prepping to have the meals pre-made and easy squeezy. It is awesome and this weekend gets a proper countdown every year. Nine ladies that pack a bag and know nothing about where their weekend is headed is so exciting. I will make them do crazy things this year and they HAVE to do it. Whhaaaaa.....ahhhhh.ahhhhh!😎The power!

After that, we slide into volleyball and soccer camp and things just get fun and free. I am ready for summer and my baby cakes R is just becoming a real little guy. He is talking up a storm and telling me things that he wants and where he wants to go. I am enjoying this phase of the game and we are just the best of buds. I am well aware the two year old crazies are rearing their head in him, so I am enjoying it as it comes.

I am sending all my love out into the universe today for a few of you guys that are facing your own battles right now. Keep trucking and find that sunshine, even i it is for a little while. Love to you all.

Until Next Time.

-Jenn

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

And Just Like That...

And just like that, my frown has been turned upside down. I look back on last weeks post and feel like it was forever ago. Man. I guess those rotten times make you stop and appreciate when the good rolls in. So, I will try to explain this without mixing it all up. Stand tough. I will try to summarize at the end if it gets too confusing.
I received a call from a bill collection agency that we had an outstanding bill from R's brain surgery in October. It is a $4,800 bill from the anathealogist. I actually remember her. She was good. Very invested in the kids and has been in the business for thirty plus years.  With life comes the price of good. She was out of network of our insurance. This bill has gone round and round through me, the CVC, back to me, back to Children's Hospital. I am talking for months. The doctors want us to fight our insurance company. The insurance company is saying, "We don't care, now go away", and the CVC just lost all the paperwork and is requesting it again to start the three month review all over again. (Are your eyeballs melting into your skull yet?) So, in an effort to stop the madness, I call the CVC and wait my 2 days to get my return call. I better have my phone on hand or that is a tragic miss. Mr. Robert calls and tells me that the CVC reviewed the bill and the bill does not match up to paperwork. Hmmm, makes zero sense to me, but let me call the doctor's office and pass this on to them. As I explain this to the secretary/office manager, she gets irritated and starts in on how the paperwork adds up and is a bit cranky about the situation, which I get. Mind you that I am lifeless about it all. This woman could throw a fit and I would have remained dead on the inside (This is my survival mode of insurance and bill work). Anywho, she gruffly asks what happened to this child, and I unleash the waterworks. I have no idea where my weeping (well, I do...but it was out of the blue) came from. So, I sup sup my way through our story, in a quick main idea way and the irritated woman grew wings of an angel. She stopped and spoke out of anger towards the situation,  compassion for my mamma's heart, understanding that I have spent over a year dealing with insurance confusion. After she comforted me, she boldly told me that the bill was wiped. She advised that I go take care of my child and that the insurance paid a small percentage of  our bill and that would do. I could not stop crying. I didn't have the wit to ask her name or if she could advise such a thing. A part of me wonders if the doctor picked up the phone that day. However it happened, I will forever remember that moment of grace. I couldn't sleep that night because I kept wondering if I had dreamed it up. I wrote a letter to the whole office and the doctor the next day. I included a picture of my big guy and hope that she gets it. Because wow. Just wow.

So, that turned my cranky mood around really fast and then good things just started rolling in. My hubs killed his 3rd round of interviews and we are really feeling like this career dream might be turning into a reality. I am so excited to see his spirits lift and we really feel like we are making some bold and exciting changes that make my stomach hurt, but are so worth it in the end.

I JUST got a good sized check in the mail for insurance overflow payments from Children's Hospital that will help cover some house drama we have had these last few months. I can not make this stuff up. When does that happen? I am going to deposit it in the bank today before they want it back!

Talk about the rollercoaster rolling on a crazy course. I better put my hair up because it is a loop to looping too fast for me to stay still. Moral of the story. Feel sorry for yourself when you need to, but get over it because good things will eventually come your way. And trust. I have had a string of the sky dumping mud on my white dress for a long time now. So, with a little hesitation, I believe in the good happening from time to time to balance it out. Slowly step out for the sunshine and things will look up. Right? Any good news out there to join the fun? I would love to hear it to keep the mojo going.

Until next time.

-Jenn




Monday, May 8, 2017

Bad Mood...

Well, hello there. It appears Mondays are my days to sit down and write. That just sort of happened. I love a natural sync and there we have it...come see me on Mondays! Misty, I know you will be here:)))

SOOO, I am in a mood. I can't really talk about what happened but it has put me in a bad mood. An angry mood. And there isn't one thing I can do about it but get over it. I once had a college volleyball coach give me some advice I still use til this day. We were scrimmaging in a practice and I was matched up with the biggest girl on our team, sizing up to be around 6'2". Mind you guys I am 5'7" and she was a powerhouse. I had a strong arm, but man my height was tiny in a Division 2 college sport. (This MIGHT be the reason I didn't get much time in the actual games, but whatevs!) I was trying my little heart out to swing past this girl. She was blocking me left and right (of course she was, but I was the little engine that could). Practice ended and I was so mad. I was leaving swollen up and red and he pulled me aside and simply told me, "Feel sorry for yourself tonight and wake up tomorrow and get over it." At the time I thought that was silly advice, but it stuck with me. So, I felt really sorry for myself this past Wednesday night, but I am now just in a bad mood. But, I suppose it is a step to moving on in our situation and I guess I just need to get it over with. I know this doesn't make much sense, but just know that we are still waiting on our last piece of the puzzle to be resolved in this case with my sweet R. I will need a night out when this is all said and done and I am hopeful that it will end in our favor. OK. Enough of that. Time to move on from that topic of crazy.

My mood could also be based on the uncertainty of our near future. Jeff has rolled the dice and is possibly trying his hand in a new career and this is a domino effect to if we move, if I need to go back to work, if I need to stay at home, and should R start a little class to be around other kids. I mean. My head is swirling and I am over it. We have prepared ourselves for option A), B), and C), but dang...waiting is brutal. That also might be the root of my bad mood. I am trying to have faith that we will be where we are supposed to be, but I never said I was patient at the process. Good night almighty, just let me know already so I can get my ducks in a row. Blah. See? I am just Debbie Downer right now and I suppose I will give myself the day, but after that, "GET OVER IT" and just move on. I will get some news when it comes and then I can do what I need to do with it. However, if someone could tell my jaw to relax and stop clenching, that would be great too.

Well, I am sorry if you leave here in a crankier mood than when you arrived. I usually can find the sunshine and the positive side, but this week may not be the case. So y'all find it for me and hopefully by next week I will be back and better than ever:) If you have any tips for me to snap out of a good ol' fashion bad mood, feel free to share. I might need a new mantra to add to my collection.

Until Next Time.

-Jenn