Here we go Again...

So that scare. That one that had me weak in the knees. It unfolded fast and we were not out of the woods. My baby girl was diagnosed the very next day with Luekemia. What the hell? She was light headed. I thought she looked a little pale and she had had a virus within 3 weeks of each other. So, she was showing signs of not feeling well. But, I had iron in my mind. Maybe a weird piece of mono. But, never in my mind did I expect her to be the .0065% of the nation to be in the cancer club. Man. I really can't even go into the details for my days like I did for Ryder yet. But, what I can say is that it has been a constant rollercoaster of hope and a then the valleys hit. The crying and feeling dead inside. I have turned a corner of being more at peace about things as we get a grip on things and see the tests and blood work respond beautifully to the meds. I don't want that to sound easy. The bloating, weak muscles, sadness, confusion, yucky feeling, and overall anger of this hitting my eight year old is almost too much for me. The fact that I have sworn to walk side by side with this angel is my leading force to get out of bed each morning. If she can, I can. Plus, sweet Nolan is again the child shuffled around and now Ryder. Man. Was I a bad person in another life? Did I hurt someone big? So yeah. I still am in the confusion phase and that is ok. Because I am eating again, showering on the reg, putting on make-up with some sort of routine. I hug and encourage my kids, I try to make time to talk to Jeff when I don't feel like sharing. But, since this isn't my first rodeo of a life event of terror. I know my tendencies of closing people off...and I am trying hard to not do it with such depth. My friends are chomping at the bit to help and it overwhelms me and I don't know what help means right now. But, what a lucky person to have a squad, tribe, and cheering section  waiting patiently at my side.

For now, Ellie and I am going to chop off this hair. Mine is wild and hers is falling out and we are all just annoyed with the strands tickling us as they catch on us. We are all at peace about it and so we will  get a cute trim to help take some weight off her blonde baby head.

We are waiting on a call from the office to determine remission, and Labor Day weekend has labs running s.l.o.w....ugh. Stay tuned. Forget you sun...I am in no mood for you right now.😐

Until next time.
-Jenn