My Pops...

Do you ever get going on the day to day movements of your life and feel like you are on auto-pilot? You make lunches, snacks, wash this, clean that. And it isn't anything I mind doing, but I do it with no thought. And to be honest, this is a welcomed state of being for now. I spent A LOT of time in the last year and a half, analyzing every step of my day. Plotting what needed to be done and why. I have really worked on not over thinking things, which often led to worrying about small stuff. But, I am not sure that I want to phase out completely either. I guess balance is the key. To be present, but without questioning my next chess move. Does that make sense? Either way, it is nice to sing along in the car again and do something without thinking deeply about how it will lead into my next point of action. Bless. My brain is exhausted.

I was having a day of cleaning (which thanks to the flea spotting last week, my house has never been so dang clean)! I have scrubbed every inch and I believe we are back in the saddle. You are welcome Doodles (insert my eyes cutting to the side and pinching my lips together). Point being, when I clean I turn on my "OK Google" dome and hit up Pandora. I have my ol' faithful stations of Willie Nelson, Justin Timberlake, Johnny Cash, and Dixie Chicks. On two different stations, the song "Just Breathe" came on (Redone by Willie Nelson from Pearl Jam), which is my pops dropping to say hello.

Listen Below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow-Cx9IX4So


My dad had a massive stroke three months after my first born daughter was with us. He was still in bed when my mom went to work and apparently when he tried to get up that morning he had his stroke. My mom didn't come home until that evening and he had laid there all day:( So, we missed a the chance to give him the shot that reverses the effects of a stroke. He spent years going to rehabs and living in places that focused on the recovery portion after an injury or stroke. I remember taking my tiny, new baby out to Melissa to PATE recovery center every Sunday to see him. Fast forward to almost seven years later and he passed away in a nursing home with my mom and myself as his cheerleaders to let him go in November of last year. My dad had lost a lot of his brain function and physical movement with the stroke, so recovering was really hard. He made some gains, but he was just as content watching TV and taking it easy. Mr. John was not a big adventure seeker. Give the man a beer and an episode of Gunsmoke and he was in Heaven.

I watched him decline SLOWLY and in and out of the hospital, as well as more surgeries than desired. He had fought the good fight for as long as he could. Man oh man. He was with a feeding tube, a urination tube through his belly button, as well as paralysis on his right side of his body, and limited speech at the end. So, I was actually happy he could leave that state of being behind when he passed away, but with that brought back memories of when he was well. My dad. My healthy, talking, walking Pops. So on this day of cleaning, not thinking about a thing and clear of thoughts, my dad snuck in to say hi with my favorite song that we played at his funeral. I was emotional about it because I was so happy to get the old pops in my mind and heart. It had been a long time that I have been able to talk to that guy because when I would visit him over the last 7 years, it was as a caretaker.  But now, I feel like I have my dad back and he was using my quiet as a way to reach out. So, i have listened to that song probably 15 times and will keep doing it as long as I still get a smile out of the deal. It's nice to see you again, dad.:) Let's do it again soon.

On a totally different note, I want to say how excited I was when I saw that seven hundred page views had met this blog. I am not sure if that is a blip on the World Wide Web or not, but hopefully one of those views helped someone, somewhere find strength about something. Like I have said before, that is what I can only do at this point. I now have a musical theme song when I go find the sunshine and it could not be a more perfect scene. I like it. I am on board!

Do you guys have a theme song? If so, I need to hear it. Loud and obnoxiously blasting on my Google player. I have a feeling my cleaning phase will stay on high alert until I can double assure myself that Doodles is home free. (Insert: cutting my eyes at the cat. I am still mad about it all.)

Until next time.

-Jenn