November, November, November...you are flying by and I LOVE it. I normally am a "enjoy the ride" kind of gal, but damn...go, go, go days. With every day, we get a little closer to finishing these phases of treatment. We are almost done with our 3rd phase and then we have 2 more before we start maintenance, which is where things s.l.o.w down and we get EG back in school. Then we do that until October 11, 2019. That is when we finish up and put this journey behind us. Well. Not that easily and simply, but you know what I mean. The treatments and chemo, etc.
On November 30th (if her numbers keep up) we started delayed Intensification, which is going to be where we hit up the steroids again for 7 day pulses. Nobody is excited about that raising its ugly head again. However, opposed to 30 days straight, we do 7 day pulses, two times over 4 weeks. So, hopefully, all the nasty side effects won't join us. I have heard it is short enough to hold them off and I praying that is the case for EG. Plus, just a hodge podge of other meds. So, I have decided to take it as we come and she has proven my medicine fear wrong all this time, so we will keep that going. :) Smile...blink...breath.....repeat:)
Jessica. Girl. That boy Ryder is exploding with his language. His teachers are even saying that is literally talking for all his friends at school. Just hooking everyone up. Ha. He is the old man of the group, so he is just showing his muscles, I guess. My happy heart loves it so much because I would never thought I could trust another person to watch him, but I have. I LOVE that he has found a loving spot and I see him feel safe, loved, and having SO much fun. He needs this and I need to be able to focus on my gal pal, so I will forever be thankful for this little spot! On that note, we will have some closure to his case in January. Let's all hope justice prevails. And I will leave it at that;)
You guys and gals have a good day and don't work too hard! Enjoy the sunshine and do it early because if you too long, that sky will be dark and cold. Not ok.
Until Next Time
- Jenn
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Monday, November 6, 2017
I Promised to Come Back...
Hi all. Well. I just reread that last entry and I poured my heart out on the screen, which is almost nice. I got to see such a vulnerable state I was in. Just a bad day. A sad day. However, as I went to bed I told Jeff that there is only one way to go and that is up. And sure enough, my swollen eyeballs came back down, my makeup was put back on the next morning, and this girl has come back to the bright side of things. I silenced all my mom groups that I had been added to and I peek in when I feel like it, on my own terms. That control is nice.
My conclusion in all this is that I literally thrive with a day by day philosophy and I have a hard time feeling too down when my girl is walking me to a local joint to eat lunch, shopping for winter clothes for her brothers, playing connect 4 on the couch and low and behold watching her play soccer with her brother and daddy. I mean. What else can I ask of her while on some added chemo every ten days? Her numbers are "As beautiful as Ellie", which is what her doctor said last week. So, today I choose to celebrate the good parts. I know there are days to be sad, which is part of being human, but I realized after every one of "those days", I am a wee bit stronger. A tiny, little bit.
SOOOOO, there is my better day post. I knew I had to because I feel more centered with a little of every emotion! Let's change the subject...please!!?! My middle son is busy at being five. He just wrapped up soccer and has picked karate. He is always punching pillows and flying through the air to roll, so I decided to channel his actions. My baby boy loves chapel and they all ride on the little buggy that holds six kids at a time. Oh my Lordy, it is precious. But, he is loving school and asks to go, go, go every morning. My sweety is settling into his new job and even made his bonus on this first round, which he was SURE he would not. I think that helped him feel like his hard work may seem trudging along as he learns the biz, but he will come out on the other side with a smile on his face and a love for what he does. The art of a challenge as a career is suiting him well:) I, on the other hand, have something up my sleeve for next year, but I am not going there just yet. We have a few mountains to climb with treatment and I want to focus on that first, but options are there!
OK guys. How are you? Are you still there? Give me a shout out so I can see life on this blog. I love to see you guys on the other side! Find the sunshine today and take a deep breath, and focus on the now. It is working for me and hopefully it will for you too!
Until Next Time-
Jenn
My conclusion in all this is that I literally thrive with a day by day philosophy and I have a hard time feeling too down when my girl is walking me to a local joint to eat lunch, shopping for winter clothes for her brothers, playing connect 4 on the couch and low and behold watching her play soccer with her brother and daddy. I mean. What else can I ask of her while on some added chemo every ten days? Her numbers are "As beautiful as Ellie", which is what her doctor said last week. So, today I choose to celebrate the good parts. I know there are days to be sad, which is part of being human, but I realized after every one of "those days", I am a wee bit stronger. A tiny, little bit.
SOOOOO, there is my better day post. I knew I had to because I feel more centered with a little of every emotion! Let's change the subject...please!!?! My middle son is busy at being five. He just wrapped up soccer and has picked karate. He is always punching pillows and flying through the air to roll, so I decided to channel his actions. My baby boy loves chapel and they all ride on the little buggy that holds six kids at a time. Oh my Lordy, it is precious. But, he is loving school and asks to go, go, go every morning. My sweety is settling into his new job and even made his bonus on this first round, which he was SURE he would not. I think that helped him feel like his hard work may seem trudging along as he learns the biz, but he will come out on the other side with a smile on his face and a love for what he does. The art of a challenge as a career is suiting him well:) I, on the other hand, have something up my sleeve for next year, but I am not going there just yet. We have a few mountains to climb with treatment and I want to focus on that first, but options are there!
OK guys. How are you? Are you still there? Give me a shout out so I can see life on this blog. I love to see you guys on the other side! Find the sunshine today and take a deep breath, and focus on the now. It is working for me and hopefully it will for you too!
Until Next Time-
Jenn
Friday, November 3, 2017
Spiraling...
Hey guys. I am not going to lie. I am down today, completely overwhelmed and really just trying to keep it together. I feel like my cancer mom world in crashing down on me. I have people from all over the realm of this process reaching out and being SO kind to offer programs and support groups and, and, and. I woke up today to a full inbox of moms from all walks of cancer life welcoming me to a group and it is SO nice. I really appreciate the willingness of these strangers to connect and offer any advice and comfort in a heartbeat. But, I am thinking that I don't move this fast. I am an observer by nature. I watch and listen to new worlds that I am thrown into. Well. Apparently going head first is a trigger for me to freak the @beep@ out. I am spiraling, worrying about relapse, not getting a healthy enough diet in her, long term effects. I mean, I can't even get a focal point on my freak out.
I have got to put my phone down and step away from the support. I hate this more that anything on this Earth. I HATE it. Not the support, but the fact that we are here. Sometimes I get a sudden shock in my stomach that my first born, who has been my healthiest of all my kids, was hit. I almost feel in denial, and this is like the flu that will eventually go away. And, I am in full belief that it will, but do I wake up every day wondering if it will hit again?
And this is where I tell myself, in a very stern voice, that I can't live this way. what a waste of time and energy. I could also think this about a car wreck, really. I don't do that. I mean, the PTSD kicks my ass in a big way. So, for now I know those brave and strong cancer moms are out there with open arms, but I can't right now. Maybe never dive in to be a discussion with so much going on. I need to regain my focus on my situation, my baby girl, my family and figure out how to do that. I have caught myself have more better days than bad (which is a good step for me!), so this is just the process. But, I know a trigger is to get ahead of myself. I know this and have to know where my boundaries lie. God help me.
On a totally different note, Ryder had his yearly MRI and check up with Dr. Weprin. He is doing great. He has an arachnoid cyst, which he says in small and is like a birthmark. I know they lie in bigger heads and most people only find them with an MRI for something else. Anyways, he is doing AWESOME. SO, that is wonderful news and much needed. Ha. My life makes me roll my eyes and wonder who I pissed off. If you are reading this, "I am sorry. Very, very sorry."
Well, for those of you that are checking in, thank you. I am making it a goal to write on a better day to brag about who well Ellie is doing and what a brave and strong girl I have on my hands. But, for today, I will cry and feel sad. Let it get out of my soul. It is the process, from which I know and it too shall pass. I will find some sunshine today because...I need to.:)
Until Next Time
-Jenn
I have got to put my phone down and step away from the support. I hate this more that anything on this Earth. I HATE it. Not the support, but the fact that we are here. Sometimes I get a sudden shock in my stomach that my first born, who has been my healthiest of all my kids, was hit. I almost feel in denial, and this is like the flu that will eventually go away. And, I am in full belief that it will, but do I wake up every day wondering if it will hit again?
And this is where I tell myself, in a very stern voice, that I can't live this way. what a waste of time and energy. I could also think this about a car wreck, really. I don't do that. I mean, the PTSD kicks my ass in a big way. So, for now I know those brave and strong cancer moms are out there with open arms, but I can't right now. Maybe never dive in to be a discussion with so much going on. I need to regain my focus on my situation, my baby girl, my family and figure out how to do that. I have caught myself have more better days than bad (which is a good step for me!), so this is just the process. But, I know a trigger is to get ahead of myself. I know this and have to know where my boundaries lie. God help me.
On a totally different note, Ryder had his yearly MRI and check up with Dr. Weprin. He is doing great. He has an arachnoid cyst, which he says in small and is like a birthmark. I know they lie in bigger heads and most people only find them with an MRI for something else. Anyways, he is doing AWESOME. SO, that is wonderful news and much needed. Ha. My life makes me roll my eyes and wonder who I pissed off. If you are reading this, "I am sorry. Very, very sorry."
Well, for those of you that are checking in, thank you. I am making it a goal to write on a better day to brag about who well Ellie is doing and what a brave and strong girl I have on my hands. But, for today, I will cry and feel sad. Let it get out of my soul. It is the process, from which I know and it too shall pass. I will find some sunshine today because...I need to.:)
Until Next Time
-Jenn
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