Spiraling...

Hey guys. I am not going to lie. I am down today, completely overwhelmed and really just trying to keep it together. I feel like my cancer mom world in crashing down on me. I have people from all over the realm of this process reaching out and being SO kind to offer programs and support groups and, and, and. I woke up today to a full inbox of moms from all walks of cancer life welcoming me to a group and it is SO nice. I really appreciate the willingness of these strangers to connect and offer any advice and comfort in a heartbeat. But, I am thinking that I don't move this fast. I am an observer by nature. I watch and listen to new worlds that I am thrown into. Well. Apparently going head first is a trigger for me to freak the @beep@ out. I am spiraling, worrying about relapse, not getting a healthy enough diet in her, long term effects. I mean, I can't even get a focal point on my freak out.

I have got to put my phone down and step away from the support. I hate this more that anything on this Earth. I HATE it. Not the support, but the fact that we are here. Sometimes I get a sudden shock in my stomach that my first born, who has been my healthiest of all my kids, was hit. I almost feel in denial, and this is like the flu that will eventually go away. And, I am in full belief that it will, but do I wake up every day wondering if it will hit again?

And this is where I tell myself, in a very stern voice, that I can't live this way. what a waste of time and energy. I could also think this about a car wreck, really. I don't do that. I mean, the PTSD kicks my ass in a big way. So, for now I know those brave and strong cancer moms are out there with open arms, but I can't right now. Maybe never dive in to be a discussion with so much going on. I need to regain my focus on my situation, my baby girl, my family and figure out how to do that. I have caught myself have more better days than bad (which is a good step for me!), so this is just the process. But, I know a trigger is to get ahead of myself. I know this and have to know where my boundaries lie. God help me.

On a totally different note, Ryder had his yearly MRI and check up with Dr. Weprin. He is doing great. He has an arachnoid cyst, which he says in small and is like a birthmark. I know they lie in bigger heads and most people only find them with  an MRI for something else. Anyways, he is doing AWESOME. SO, that is wonderful news and much needed. Ha. My life makes me roll my eyes and wonder who I pissed off. If you are reading this, "I am sorry. Very, very sorry."

Well, for those of you that are checking in, thank you. I am making it a goal to write on a better day to brag about who well Ellie is doing and what a brave and strong girl I have on my hands. But, for today, I will cry and feel sad. Let it get out of my soul. It is the process, from which I know and it too shall pass. I will find some sunshine today because...I need to.:)

Until Next Time

-Jenn