The Healing Process...

After we came home from the hospital, we were told to basically just watch the little man. I will never forget when we were coming up with a plan in the hospital, the resident neurosurgery doctor told me to prepare myself for him to possibly be MR. She followed that he was a victim of a brain injury and that it was just going to be a waiting game. We were going to have to see how the brain reacts after the swelling goes down. Pause, take a breath mamma, swallow that sentence and try to keep typing. So, we waited and watched.

As we made our way through all of the immediate issues, I didn't really panic too much on his recovery because I was kept really busy on getting my family back together.  I was focused on what had to be taken care of right then and there. Slowly, as the DPS and CPS cases cleared out, I was left with a baby that I didn't know would recover and neither did the doctors. He was showing clear gains, but I was the one who changed. My nerves had been rocked through all this. What I had seen, heard, felt, and been through had sent a shock wave down my spine. How does one stop those waves of panic? I feel like people had moved on and I was supposed to be with them. But, I was not. I was stuck in a state of panic, replaying those horrid incidents over and over again. It was hell. I couldn't escape it and obsessing over everything that took place over the last six months.

I began noticing daily headaches. I casually took some Advil and went about my day. As time went on, my headaches and face just hurt. I went to get my teeth checked and no issues came up. The dentist suggested a mouth guard, so I had one made for a $400 fix. That seemed to help some, but my headaches were still there and driving me nuts. Have you ever just had enough and decided it is time to do something, anything? Well, that is where I was. Living in purgatory is awful and exhausting!

 I decided to go to a therapist to see if I could try to unravel this ball of utter anxiety and fret that lived with me most of the time. I felt like I missed his cutie early months because I was so terrified of something bad happening again. Blah, such a helpless feeling. After a few visits, I was told that this memory flashback issue was PTSD. Makes so much sense. She said my nerves were standing straight up and I was ready. Ready for the trauma and surprise factor at any given moment. Well, apparently you can't live your life in that manner forever. If you do, you hold your breathe and your tongue pushes up on the roof of your mouth, causing a headache. I figured out the root to my headache. Retraining the tongue to relax is no easy task. But, at least I was making gains. Gaining insight on how I was going to move on and start to enjoy life again. I am working. Working on relaxing my sensors and trying to not relive those moments as much. It is getting better. One day, one run, one yoga class, one walk with my family, one happy hour with my tribe, one date night to try to talk with my husband something other than serious stuff. That baby toddler is still on track for now and we will continue to watch and follow his needs, if any, with immediate care. That is all we can do, right?

Holy smokes, have we made it? Did we get to the finish line? Well, good enough:) I have enjoyed (hard to think that word fits, but it does) "talking" with you about the mountains we were given to climb. You guys have given me a release and it is out there now. Yeah. That was my goal and it blossomed well. I really like blogging, so I will have to move on to some of that silly nonsense talk, like tragic fashion tends and funny kid stories that I would so love to think about. :) That just sounds dreamy!

Any questions? Thank you as always for helping me find the sunshine!
-Jenn